If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
