so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
