I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
