Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize