theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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