Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
How does one acquire holy water?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
