If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Houston, we have a blender
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
