i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
