It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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