There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
