I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
