In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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