the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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