nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize