I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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