I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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