Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
