Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
