It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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