You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
