I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
