Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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