I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize