morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
