1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
