If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
