Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
