If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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