Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
