no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
