why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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