just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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