I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
