Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
