I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
