its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Randomize
