you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
