I accidentally had phone sex last night
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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