I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
