five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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