He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
