Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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