Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
If I die, sorry about rent.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
