Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
