you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
