The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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