If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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