We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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