you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
