I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize