I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
