You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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