Where did you get a picture of my penis
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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