i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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