Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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