my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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