Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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