It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
