if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
