This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
