I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I need to stop coming to work sober
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
