Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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